Reflection
11:09pm - 17 December 2008 - 315 views - 2 CommentsPosted in: Daily
It has been a while, a rather long while since I’ve written anything solid – not that I’ve written anything solid before anyway. Having said that, let’s start with something… sombre. I begin to realise that I’m no longer the same person I knew myself to be a year ago, or at the very least the person I thought I was.
The few things I pride myself in, the few qualities which I believed I had – seem to be fading away slowly. Silently. Surely. I can only be disappointed in myself for how things are turning out. There is no one to blame but myself, for letting the world change me. Thinking that I could endure what the world throws at me, I’m beginning to think that I was wrong.
Bit by bit, the me that I knew is being eroded away. The shell remains, but the core crumbles. I look back and ask myself – who or what am I turning into? I don’t really know for sure. What I know is that I would’ve liked the old me better.
It’s scary when I could bring myself to agree to phrases like “the best way to not offend anyone is to be a jerk to everyone”. This is not how I did things. But enough had happen to sway my thoughts, my principle. It’s tiring to try to uphold something that no one believes/practices anymore. It’s easy to go with the flow, join the masses, blend in. I never liked being part of the majority. But being otherwise really requires a will of steel.
The walls are cracking, but the pillars are still intact – hopefully. With something, if anything, I hope I can patch up the leaks and continue holding up the fort. And this is to remind myself that I’m still standing tall, putting up a fight.
Two things.
First of all, you write well. Don’t say otherwise.
Secondly, I’ve lost track of how you are, where you’ve been, but you may need a change of environment. Maybe a religious place, once or twice a week. To remind yourself that not everyone’s like that.
Take heart, Tze Lun. I pray you’ll be back soon.
Comment by Eli James — 12:19 pm, December 19, 2008 #
I think the fact that you realise this change and don’t like what you see means that the core of who you are still remains strong. I always believe that no matter the external changes, deep down inside you are who you are and nothing can change that. All you need is a little reminder of who you want to be. We sometimes forget that along to way but it’s definitely not something you’ll lose.
Comment by Amelia — 10:22 pm, December 28, 2008 #